Fake Hump Syndrome (working title)
A character driven comedy farce
by
Steve Cosmic
Draft 4.2 November 14, 2023
I am still polishing this, and some scenes may
be dropped, or added, or put in different order.
I may change some lines after feedback from actors.
Actors can suggest lines or whole scenes, and get credits.
Why is Brandi in a bikini? Answer at bottom.
It's logical and sensible. And smart.
About 18 minutes long. Three characters.
Amy. 18 to about 24. She is an aspiring actress. She loves old movie fashion, and Hollywood icons like Marilyn Monroe. She often dresses like her, wearing a bullet bra and tight sweaters and a Marilyn style wig. (Search net for bullet bra and sweater girl photos) She wants to play serious dramatic roles. She has had lead roles in two short films which never got finished. She has auditioned and had call backs for big movies, but never got picked. She has a day job as an assistant in a beauty salon, where she tells everyone she is an actress.
She is taking acting classes. She once had a lesbian relationship.
Brandi. 18 to about 24. Shapely, attractive, and studying acting. She supports herself as a movie extra, model and waitress. When she was about 8, her father took her to a car show, where she was fascinated by a bikini model standing by a car. She overheard the model say "This is the best job in the world." That event has shaped her life. She idolizes Pamela Anderson and wants to be like her. Her acting experience so far has been as a movie extra where she is usually in a bikini, and in student films. She likes being in a bikini and showing off. She is willing to be in most any movie.
Brandi and Amy met at their acting class. They do not know each other really well.
Max. About 22 to 28. Handsome, and muscular. He wears a tight fitting top which shows off his muscles. He goes to the gym a lot. He is a coffee barista trainee.
All characters play seriously. (deadpan) They are funny, but don't know they are funny, and they don't try to be funny.
FADE IN
DAY. A sidewalk in an upscale residential neighbourhood. Brandi and Ami are
walking together. Ami is carrying a small video camera and tripod. She is dressed something like the photo up top. Brandi is wearing a bikini under a beach wrap which is partially open so her bikini is seen. They may have shoulder purses.
Amy
It's my brother's birthday next week and I
don't know what to get him. (beat) Do you
have any brothers or sisters?
Brandi
Yeah I do. But we don't talk....we're dysfunctional.
AMY
(glances at Brandi)
How dysfunctional?
Brandi
Well, when I was 11, our dog killed himself.
Amy
(beat) Our dog did drugs.
They continue walking.
Brandi
How far to this place where I'm gonna sing
my song?
Amy
About 5 more blocks. You'll love it.
Brandi
I hope so. I want the video of the song for my
demo reel.
They walk a bit more.
Amy
I'm expecting an important call.
Brandi
What about?
Amy
About an acting gig. I auditioned and I got called back.
It's for a big movie. I perform 3 lines. With good pay.
Brandi
Wow! Good for you!
What's it about?
Amy
It's a love story about
a pilot with 5 kids and a teacher with 4 kids
who start an online dating app, and get
mixed up with gangsters and zombies and
vampires. (beat) And aliens too. And there's
a car chase scene
and then their house gets blown up.
Brandi
Sounds good. My dream role would to be the
bikini girl in a James Bond movie. That
would be so cool.
Amy
Plus you'd get to make out with James Bond.
Brandi
(dreamy)
Yeah....
They keep walking. Suddenly they hear a loud screechy roar, and turn and see a fierce dinosaur behind them. Amy is very alarmed, but Brandi is cool.
Brandi,
Don't worry. If he starts to chase us, I know how
to make him stop.
Amy.
What do you do?
Brandi.
I take my top off.
Amy
And it works?
Brandi.
Yeah........he seems to like it.
Amy.
That's good to know. (beat) How did you learn that?
Brandi
From facebook. There's a group about what to do if
you get chased by a dinosaur.
Amy
I'll look it up.
Brandi.
You can learn a lot from facebook. I learned how
to make your nails look like pure gold.
Amy.
Wow.
Brandi
But it doesn't actually work.
Amy
I got a hundred new facebook friends in one day.
Brandi
Wow. That's impressive.
Amy
Then I found out they were all AI.
Brandi
If I get AI friends I keep them.
Amy
Why keep them? They're not real.
Brandi
Well, they're all really good looking.
Amy
Yeah, but they're fake.
Brandi
(defensive)
Well some of them are really inspiring.
Some of them have interesting lives.
They keep walking and approach a sort of stage in a park overlooking the ocean. Brandi steps up onto the stage and takes off her wrap. Amy sets up her small video camera. Brandi gets ready to sing her song.
Brandi
It would sure be cool to have some special effects
and everything while I sing.
Amy
I'll set the camra to the magic setting.
Amy touches a button on the camera.
Amy
OK, action!
Brandi sings Don't Drop the Baby, acapella. She puts in an effort to copy some Broadway dancers or Las Vegas showgirl type moves. She makes her moves enthusiastically, but badly.
(One version of the song is at the start and end of the movie here. Two other versions are also available for the actress to study.)
She sings the song 2 or 3 times, filmed from different angles. She also sings it separately, in studio, on green screen. Lots of different special effect backgrounds are put in during post production. The film viewers see the final special effects version. An award winning music video I made is here. This
video will be different of course, but the music video shows what I can do.
Several times while she sings she looks back a bit, as if she is trying to see if there are special effects behind her. She does two or three Fake Humps as she sings.
Brandi finishes her song and Amy turns off her video camera.
Brandi
Did you get it all OK?
Amy
Yeah, it looks good. (beat)
Ah,.. what's with the pelvic thrusts?
Brandi
I have Fake Hump Syndrome. I can't help it.
When I'm nervous it happens sometimes. Most of the
time I can control it.... I got it when I was 14.
Amy
Well... it gives your song performance a.... unique look.
Brandi
Maybe I'll cut out the fake humps when I edit my demo reel.
Amy
That might be an idea.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Brandi and Amy are walking.
Brandi
I sure hope I get my acting gig. They should call today.
Amy
What's the gig?
Brandi
Being a barmaid by a pool at a big fancy party.
Amy
That sounds cool. Do you wear a bikini?
Brandi
Of course.
Amy
Would you do a nude scene?
Brandi
Probably. If they paid me extra. But not fully nude. Topless only.
Would you?
Amy
Maybe. I did a nude photo shoot once. I was on a horse.
Brandi
Did the horse know you were nude?
Amy
Probably. I walked right in front of him. Like why would
a horse care if I am nude or not?
Brandi
I don't know. I was just wondering. I'm nude in front of my cat.
(beat) But I put her in the bathroom when I masturbate.
Amy.
Yeah, me too.
Brandi
It's distracting.
Amy
You got that right.
Brandi
(like she's talking to herself)
Like really distracting. ... My cat watching me.....
(beat, still talking to herself)
I used to let her watch.....
They keep walking.
They come to a place to sit down. Brandi takes some selfies of herself in her bikini, with the scenic background.
Amy
Why do you like wearing bikinis so much?
Brandi
I think it's my key to getting acting gigs. I want to
stand out from the other actors.
(beat) (beat)
And I think it's because of my childhood.
Amy,
Your childhood?
Brandi
Yeah. (beat) One time when I was 8 my dad took me to a
car show, and there was a bikini girl there. I was fascinated by
her. I couldn't stop looking.
Amy looks at Brandi
Brandi
And I heard her say to someone "This is the best job in the
world." I've always remembered that.
Amy
They don't have bikini girls at car shows anymore. Or have
bikini contests. (beat) It's politically incorrect.
Brandi
Yeah I know. Bikinis are illegal in some states. (beat) Except
California of course.
Amy
Of course. I heard it's mandatory.
Brandi
Being politically correct sucks. (beat) (She repeats two
quotations she heard.)
"The more politically correct you are, the less creative you will be."
(Beat) And "The more politically correct you are, the less happy
you will be."
Amy.
Wow, that's profound! And so wise!
Where did you learn that?
Brandi
From the writer.
Amy
The writer? What writer?
Brandi
The guy who writes what we say.
Amy looks at Brandi. If they were walking they come to a place to sit down.
(I will make some decisions on when they are walking or not walking.)
Brandi
Do you ever worry about not making it as an actress?
I do.
Amy
Well..... a bit... if that happens I can always fall back
on my degree.
Brandi
You have a degree?!!
Wow!
Amy.
Well... not actually a degree. A certificate.
(proudly) I'm a Certified Eyebrow Technician.
Brandi
Wow. I heard they make a lot of money. Like a
lawyer or a flag girl.
(beat) I wouldn't mind doing that. You get
to stop the traffic. .... Well sometimes I stop the
traffic with my bikini!! (laughs)
They both check their phones and text for a minute.
Amy
Do you have a boyfriend?
Brandi
Not now. But my last boyfriend was really cool.
He made me laugh a lot. Plus he was a good dresser.
And he had a nice car.
Amy
Why'd you split up?
Brandi
He sold his car.
Amy
Oh. (beat)
I had a lesbian relationship once.
Brandi
What was that like?
Amy
It was OK. But not that great. Being a lesbian
is not all that it's cracked up to be. We
split up.
Brandi
Why'd you split up?
Amy
She sold her car.
Brandi.
Oh.
They both look around at their surroundings a bit.
Amy
So.... we're both waiting for important calls.
Brandi
Yeah. I'm getting nervous and anxious.
I'm fighting off doing a whole lot of Fake Humps.
Amy
I can only imagine what that's like.
Brandi.
It's no fun.
(she gives kind of a look like she is holding off giving a Fake Hump)
They are walking in a nice residential area.
They come to a TINY LIBRARY. (See photo up top)
Brandi
Oh look, it's one of those tiny libraries.
Let's look.
They open it and look at some books. A bit of random chatter about
the books. Amy sees Max approaching. She bumps Brandi with her elbow and
nods towards Max.
Amy
Have a look.
Brandi
Wow. Look at those muscles. And cute too.
Max approaches and looks at the tiny library.
Max
Hi. I wanted to look at the books. I'm looking for
a book on dinosaurs.
Brandi and Amy look at each other.
Amy
There's no dinosaur books. But if you
want to see a real dinosaur go that way
about 8 blocks. You might see one.
Max
Really? Is it scarry? What if he starts
coming after me?
Brandi.
If he starts coming after you, just
take your top off. He'll stop.
Max
Really? For sure?
Amy
Well it depends what you look like
with your shirt off. Take your shirt
off and I'll tell you.
Max takes his shirt off. The girls look him over.
Amy
Yeah, I think he'll leave you alone.
Brandi
(Still staring at his body, in a trance.) Yeah..... I agree.
Amy
(to Max)
I'm Amy, and this is my friend Brandi.
Max
Hi, I'm Max
Brandi
We're actresses.
Max.
Really? I was in a movie once.
The girls ears perk up at the mention of a movie.
Max
Yeah it was on TV. I got interviewed. It was a documentary. (beat)
About people who work at low paying jobs. (beat) I'm a barista. Well,
... a barista trainee.
The girls look at each other, dissappointed it was not an acting role.
Amy's phone rings. She answers and starts to walk away with her phone
at her ear. She signals that she has to take the call and walks away talking
on her phone.
Brandi.
She's expecting an important call. I don't usually do this
but I can give you my number if you want to call me
sometime.
Max
OK. What is it? You can just tell me,
I'll remember it.
Brandi gives her number.
Brandi
Here comes Amy, don't tell her OK?
Max.
No prob.
Amy comes back.
Amy
Well, they wanted to let me know that they
are still deciding and will let me know later.
Brandi's phone rings. She walks away listening and talking on her phone.
Amy
I don't usually do this
but I can give you my number if you want to call me
sometime.
Max
OK. What is it? You can just tell me,
I'll remember it.
Amy gives her number.
Amy
Don't tell Brandi, OK?
Max
No prob.
They both look towards Brandi, standing away a bit, her phone by her ear.
Brandi suddenly does a Fake Hump. A moment later she does
another Fake Hump, and walks back.
Brandi
My agent said they will decide later and she'll call me.
Max
Well good luck on that. (beat) Ahh., why'd you do those
pelvic thrusts?
Brandi
I have Fake Hump Syndrome. It's something that just happens.
I can't control it.
Max
If it contageous?
Brandi
Ah.... no.... Well... I don't think so.
Max
I sure don't want to get it.
Amy
Me either.
Brandi
I don't think you have to worry.
(beat) And it's not that bad.
Amy and Max look at each other.
Max
Well. I have to get going. I'm late for
my shift. (beat) Nice meeting you both.
Amy
OK, bye. See you.
Brandi
Yeah, see you.
Max walks away.
Amy
He's cute. Would you do him?
Brandi gives a look like "Are you kidding? Of course I'd do him"
(Or maybe she says it aloud... We'll film it both ways.)
Amy
Yeah. Quite the body.
Brandi
Hey, that was cool what you said to get him to take his
shirt off!
Amy
I thought you'd like it. I wonder if taking his
shirt off will make the dinosaur stop. Maybe he's gay.
Brandi
I don't think he's gay!
Amy
I meant the dinosaur.
Brandi
Oh. Maybe. These days everybody is something it seems.
I guess there could be gay dinosaurs. Or what about bi
dinosaurs?
(beat) (suddenly)
He might be non binary!
Cut to dinosaur, one second long.
(beat) (beat)
Well, we're getting close to my place. Do you want
to come over?
Amy
Naw...thanks. I'll head over to the bus stop. I'll email
you the video of your song.
Brandi
Thanks. Bye.....
Amy
Bye.....
They walk their separate ways.
CUT TO
Amy walking. She suddenly does a Fake Hump. She is alarmed about it and looks around to see if anyone saw her. She keeps walking, concerned about the Fake Hump she just did.
CUT TO
Max walking. He suddenly does a Fake Hump. He is alarmed and looks around to see if anyone saw him. He keeps walking, and does another Fake Hump. This time he is really alarmed.
Max continues walking, and makes a call on his phone.
CUT TO
Brandi walking. Her phone rings.
Brandi
Hello?
CUT TO
Amy walking. Her phone rings
Amy
Hello?
FADE OUT.
An additional scene.
A scene which may or may not be used, depending on the finished length of the movie. I want to keep it under 20 minutes so it will fit in more film festivals. We'll shoot it anyway. If used it will be before or after the credits.
Amy, Brandi and Max are sitting on a lovely ground level patio with plants and flowers. They are sipping take out coffees.
Brandi
Will there be a sequel?
Amy
I don't know.
Brandi
If there is, I'll take my top off next time.
Max looks discretely (a quick peek) over at Brandi's chest.
Amy
I don't think you'll have to do that.
Brandi.
Well if there is a sequel I'll do it. (beat) I want to....
Max peeks at Brandi's chest again.
FADE OUT.
Don't Drop The Baby will be heard during the credits.
I fully expect this film to win awards.
Why is there a bikini girl in this movie?
The simple answer is to help make the movie a success. All 26 James Bond movies have a bikini girl, and extended bikini scenes. Think about that.
The people who make those movies know what they're doing.
Lots of movies have a scene of a woman talking on her phone at home while she changes her top. She is seen in her bra. And similar shirtless scenes for men. Do they have to put in scenes like that? They don't, but they know it can't hurt, and it may help. Yes, everyone answers their phone in their underwear once in a while. But if you watch movies carefully, and study them, you will see that this happens a lot, in all kinds of movies. (If you are a new actor you should be studying lots of movies, not just watching them.) I watch and study a movie almost every night.
Hollywood movies have big name stars, exotic locations, expensive action scenes, lavish wardrobe, and fancy shots. Micro budget filmmakers can't do that. But one thing we can do is create outrageous or unusual characters in attention getting outfits. We can make the viewer curious to see what a quirky character is going to do next. A bikini and a wig and fake boobs don't cost much. We can do that, so why not do it? It's foolish not to do it.
Always remember that most shorts don't get seen much. And most have an almost zero chance of winning awards.
Do you want to win an award? You have to stand out.
My last short won 4 awards. Best Actress, Best Editor, Most Inspiratonal Film, and Best Director.
From the point of view of the actress who plays Brandi...
The more successful this movie is, the more it will help your career.
To apply for a role, email me here.
For free actors help, click here.
(Notes to me.... ideas for some funny bits to add when I get time.... Pirates, eye liner, Amazon, puppies)
